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Finally, after a few decades..., I understand mum's claim, that sometimes keeping the mouth shut, pays it's role...Destroy the enemy with silence..., ignoring him, eyes down..., no sadness..., no anger..., just disappointment..
Can be easy...
Very effective...
It's pleasant to see him  tripping round you...
ok
I'm kinda nervous this days..., found the family...the new one, but until now without a face, a fact, a certainty...
Will go on, will go away, will move on...will go on the second place...

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...and there's the fact...
shooting here and there, no purpose, no goal, no idea..., just clicking...meanwhile..., nothing..., no answer, no text...

Oh, yes..., no money too...



Well, later I went on an hour of driving, stopped on a beach, shot an entire 36 film, a few raw on D50 and D200..., missed a call..., called back with no answer..., found an interesting image on FB
cropped some pictures, posted those on FB, watched a bad, a worst and a the absolute crap stuff on TV! Now The Three Kings, did see it before...
...felt asleep during the crap stuff...being stopped with the phone ring, got the call...will get the image I wanted...and...

will post it here eventually...now...27.3.2011...up here...some lens correction and colour enhancement...with HDR



one million thoughts, one million wishes..., ten millions ideas..., a non comprehensive number of parts put together to make ME...

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Headphones on...the third hour :)
listening to 3 doors down...
like the sound of the voice of the singer...
found them from a link on FB...

the song landing in london made me do this...

Changes:

I'm not suposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am 
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands (how I feel) 
I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs 
There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb 

I try to hold this Under control 
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows 

Now I'm going through changes, changes 
God, I feel so frustrated lately 
When I get suffocated, save me 
Now I'm going through changes, changes 

I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone 
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone 
I've got something to say, but now I've got no where to turn 
It feel like I've been buried underneath all the weight of the world 

I try to hold this Under control 
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows 

Now I'm going through changes, changes 
God, I feel so frustrated lately 
When I get suffocated, save me 
Now I'm going through changes, changes 

I'm blind and shakin'
Bound and breaking 
I hope I make it through all these changes 

Now I'm going through changes, changes 
God, I feel so frustrated lately 
When I get suffocated, save me 
Now I'm falling apart, now I feel it 

Now I'm going through changes, changes 
God, I feel so frustrated lately 
When I get suffocated, I hate this 
But I'm going through changes, changes

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as little as an adapter, as little as a box of cigarettes, and the music's on again, no hiss...back to normal...fucking perfect!
black drama make-up yesterday, all eyes right on my face, in my eyes, a magnet..., not sure that the make-up had all the credit...:)
had a full hour of chat with a boy that came to buy a Bowens light set..., and later a chat with a elderly lady that worked a whole life with photography. The knowledge I'll never achieve, because time went by, and film is no longer in use, as it was back then...

it's raining outside, but kinda worm weather for middle march...15°C..., nice!
flat stomach, must be the syrup I had Saturday, and it feels great...
very much unhappy with hair...

I've been thinking...a year ago I've been hibernating, no spring fever after it...as it is now...I miss my afternoon nap, very much...Sunday I dropped down just after noon, and woke up three hours later like pulled out from a spin-drier..., all wrinkled...
 Can't wait for the summer to come..., short or no sleeves, open windows, life, long days

My little neighbour and me here...

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nothing really...
cloudy, worm enough outside..., modem out, no tv, black nails for a week, two rings bought on ebay, right now...a bit could, sweating feet, some old hits on a local radio station that I listen on-line...
a bit nervous, don't know why...
traced a few looks onto me..., probably wondering why this deep freeze attitude... I can be so incredibly fucking distant and firm...absolute zero,
Like drunk, words just coming out of my mouth, without alcohol,  just this bit of nervousness and a few things going wrong...or the other way around...
I hate stuff to go wrong, not working properly, not working at all...or the hiss out of speakers... imagine...me...listening to the hiss...Jesus!!!
I saw Elvisa yesterday...all wrong..., divorced, having troubles with the ex-husband, all drowning in hate and anger...., and she don't have children...and she's my age...feel so sorry for her...Right now, I wouldn't think twice if someone offered me a ticket out of here..., maybe even in some could place like Iceland..., or Canada...I would pack my bags, and Sara's and Ben and just go away..., forever...Yeah, running from problems...the brightest thing to do...
Don't give a fucking nothing to anyone, take all, keep all, demand all, have all, legally or not! I'm a fucking 138 on NASA's test!!  It is crime!! Drama...Tragic comedy!
Shakespeare!

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Fuckin' perfect...
Well, there's a bran new tv here, it takes half a living room..., this lcd screen...bad resolution, no full-HD signals in this fuckin' little country...but I did see the Black Swan in full-HD blue-ray quality, over VGA... a film shoot on a 35mm film :) or less, don't remember...nice old-fashion grain and this really great story...Didn't quite know the story of this ballet... Great acting...all of them...
Thoughts...
Japan, but first maybe Iceland...
My big F5 and the digital shit...
Yes...
Japan...not before summer, they've had this big earthquake...they'll rebuilt the damage...
Iceland...
Reykjavik...
don't know why, colours maybe, steam and ice...very little vegetation...horses..., big musicians yet truly undiscovered...like Vika...
Had a five hours journey with her music yesterday...
I hate iTunes...if only they'd put paypal as choice for payment...to buy music...better, or the best quality music...I'd certainly buy Vika's...
Illness made me go away...funny...a really bad flue... made him non-important...

I feel colours...

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Music...
lots of it
beautiful music...all piano music...some best vocals the world's proud to have..., some best sounds ever...just lots of it...lots of music...
hours and hours of music...
all you need is a PC, some great player, great headphones and time...

the songs without a title are form vkgoeswild or...viki....and she's awesome!! and the two piano peace; the white castle and the next plateau are Keiko Matsui's.
From 'Cooling' to the bottom are all Tori Amos's songs...

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No blog again...nothing to share...nothing, just absolute zero...

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KillTheSecret

destination =>absolute zero

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maaaaaaa
confusion....
hope
I'm lost...

need music...
I need the sound to meditate...
meditate to relax
relax to reach me again..
tu build this broken fence back up, to build it wider, higher, stronger then ever...to keep myself away from confusion and hopeless confusion...
I need some wild S with a total stranger...
run
yes!
to run...
It's like when you think that alcohol isn't the right way to forget...
it isn't
but for a few hours, those worst hours...It erases the bitter burning pain of the braking heart

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If not now...then when?
If not this way...then how...?
If not at all...then why even think about it...?
If no thoughts... then what to exist for?

Makes it...now-for existence

Now

this way

to be...

alive...



Alive?
What for?


to love...


Love
Now
This way
For existence...


Love-for existence...


:) I like it!

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And there's GODSKITCHEN!
There they cook trance..., best trance ever...
And there's Sennheiser...and 109db of sound coming up my auditory nerves, and my feet moving, my head following them...my mind completely in it...
and there is the ONE...

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nothing really...
looks like everything's on stand-by...

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I need to run away, still...

But this time, the reason is far from the old one..., it's coming to me, a year has passed, and I realise just now that this is no good...In the minute I see, I have to go...I will go away as soon as the chance will show..., The change brought better times, always, so I'm not afraid to take the turn...

Some bright and loud minutes with my little angel...

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There's only one way out, and it starts with little whispers...

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Talk to my lips

I'm 

innocent

and selfish

Letter for you

I watch, I see, I do and I hear you... I hear what you're saying, I see what you're watching at, I do and I have to run... away...because I'm loosing the strength, my body's giving up on me, my eyes wont stay up there, they are creeping down toward the softest part of you... literally and in fact...I know the softness of those lips, I know it...and I know me...and I know it's almost impossible to me to let those lips go...If you'd help, if you only could help, you should do it, you would have to do it, you need to do it..., keep away with those lips, away from me, from my loneliness, from my pathetic existence...called life...

There was no loneliness, no awareness of the incoherence of myself...before your day...I didn't know, notice, see, or wont to see...I didn't, you went away before, you disappeared, forever...that had a time limit...Forever had an end, and I accepted that there was this end, that became a beginning...

I wont to know why, if is it me, is it you, is it beauty, attractiveness, sexual need, just adventure to have...What? 

What is it that drives your eyes into mine, your hand round my waist, your lips close to mine...too close to me...?

I cannot erase the feeling of those lips onto mine, I cannot do anything less or more...then run away...I feel I have to take my distance, embrace my pathetic loneliness..., just to be safe...because you don't talk, you don't say, you are not alone...and maybe you're less pathetic and lonely then me...

I can wear skirts, deep low-neck dresses, lipstick, nail polish and high heels..., for you to notice,... I can wear boots, military pants and gross t-shirts and you'd still knew what's under it...

No way other then words, and me to believe it... No way other then honesty, the truth, and me to be the ONLY one...

Only me

or the little pathetic life...

better be alone, then waiting  for anyone to make me company when the situation allows, or the second one...

Please, oh God...If there's anything I wish, it's peace and because happiness is a luxury of those who cannot judge for themselves...  and a curse to those, who can..., I wish you to freeze my wishes...

I'm cursed with your lips, my love, I am, and I know it...

I don't know, I used every possible approach..., I lowered my eyes, I rise my head, I smiled, I turn my head away...nothing worked...so...so

I'll follow the moment...

It will come to me, some day, the moment...

you wont...

winter2010