no blog

And then there's the fact that I have to know...
OK, fair enough, I asked him directly, and got a answer, half sure...a honest one..?! Half convinced that was a big fat lie...!! I'am an optimist, my glass is always half full...
:)
Got some great music, from my personal taste the best one like Tori Amos, Sarah McLachlan, Sarah Brightman, Imogen Heap to Regina Spektor, finding some great vocalist as... Rachael Yamagata and Ani Difranco, Lara Fabian or... some big girls like Nancy Wilson and other countries singers as Helene Fischer ...and the rest what jazz and blues and rock and classical and modern and...this most beautiful world of music offers.
Anyway, I can figure out something that men can't do better then women, and so is the music...
some great voices, as Andrea Boccielli followed by...I don't know where to start...or if it ends...but I simply fall for singers like 

Scott Stapp, Creed vocalist...

So masculine, so...man...so...whoaaa!!

image kindly offered by Wikipedia

no blog

now I know, or...I think I knew before, but I didn't had the chance to think deep enough about it... I don't know if it is better to know or to suspect...
If I put all the evidence together, I should probably get this result, but I still really don't know if I wont to know from the most reliable source...him...
It's non of my business, I was, I am something different now, I hope I will be as I am right now for some more years, and my mind's telling me, not to dig into NON-OF-MY-BUSINESS... stuff...
If I'am very much honest with me, I'm not the right type..., for most of men, I'm too much of a single person, far from hating them, but far deep into somebody that doesn't exist..., at least not in my world...
I will meet someone, someday, that will be close, or hopefully close enough to who I fit, or who's going to fit me..., it's just that fact that I lived isolated, all the road I did was from home to work and vice-versa..., now I'm in the middle of the town, eventually I'll bump into somebody that know somebody that isn't quite involved in some relationship because..., that reason, you know, the best one...
...and that doesn't hate women, or self-sufficient women, or this and a kind of stubborn one's..., and that's some ten years older then her mind...
:)

I love you people
World I Love You
WILY
By the way...
WILY was the key point of one of my novels, lot's of years ago, one of the few that I wrote like I was a man, the story teller...
a difficult task, because I'm not a man and as a man, I really shouldn't know all that much, what's the woman thinking, and how...
In the end I was pretty much satisfied with the outcome.

no blog

You see, if there was a 'dream come true' price for the 'most time spent with dreaming', I would have my dream come true...
OK, I have too much time, probably, but I had all this time from the beginning of times..., or my time...
I spent literally years dreaming, with open eyes too, mostly in company of some great music, mostly in the evenings, but it was not, it is not a rule...When I felt lonely, or abandoned, or pushed to be somewhere against my will, or in deep doubts about what has to be done, or... whatever, I dug myself into something, a dream, a fantasy and I built a story. I did a full story, names, colours, faces, characters, even furniture, architectural details, sometimes even drawn details... and I fought with myself not to finish it, to give it an end, just to preserve it, to avoid making an end to that dream, because the start was the most difficult. Mostly the start was something as small as a gesture of a stranger, a life time away from me,as far as every king of rock, maybe only a few meters apart, but not closer than Elvis. Sometimes it was a result of a deviation of a previous dream, that started as a result of a fantasy that I was developing before that..., but mostly that was a result of a wish.
I started to write, and I wasn't able to stop, it was more addictive than drugs are(to a junkie)or food or cigarettes. It took all my time, it had a curing effect to problems, to the depression, to that killing feeling that I'm loosing me, my independence, my integrity..., me.
I wrote pages, hundreds of pages, thousands of pages, so many pages, that I could make two dozens of novels out of it. The end in my dream, or fantasy was far from the end written down. I had a lot more time to rethink details while writing it. Twenty-four fantasies on paper, and about that much of an involution of that number of dreams that got lost somewhere on a path to creation.
I still do it, and I still have a desire to write it, but the keyboard, or the paper, don't have that attractiveness as it use to have.
Now I have my fantasies. I do think about details too, for example, today I developed this story after watching the 'Granod Designs' with  Kevin McCloud .
I know he's much older than me, I know he's a husband and a father of four, and half a continent away and a life time away, but it a fantasy, a dream, remember?
I used a previously 'made' house for it, a house that was the result of a combination of my own taste and one of the buildings he presented, he shoot somewhere in England I believe, some time ago. Circles combined with straight walls, right corners and a balcony into a house, a nice fireplace, a high-tech kitchen, a very bright living space, wood combined with stone and bricks typical for the ,area a big library in the working room, a fully feng-shui end of my house. Ecologically  friendly, no useless parts, no dead ends, no wires anywhere, not in and more important no wires on the outside of the building. No cables, no visible cooling devices, no cable-TV boxes, no cameras visible on the front, and for the biggest painting on a glass wall just the sunset. maybe some curtains, dark red or orange, silky sheets fluttering in the early evening sunshine on a way to a nice domestic green garden on the back, or better said, between the endings of my home. 
It's because he speaks with his face. He speaks with his eyes, his expression is far more eloquent than of anyone I've been watching on TV, doing documentaries. No limits for him, he can say, and he's saying whatever's going on his mind. A great combination, and even if most of women I know would say that he's nothing special, I've been falling for this kind of men, always... 
But I did it in fast forward. I did it like I do with all fantasies in the last years. Quick thoughts-dreams.




It's a sign, I'm OK, probably, like I am right now, and just that lack of male company lately, make me think about someone specific, like him, someone, that do exist..., or is it lack of a beautiful home like the complicated house I made up some time ago.

Here's some pieces of my home...

no blog

just a wake-up with some headache, just a simple morning, just a great song with some great lyrics...
just music
˝I'm not alone...˝youtube

no blog

And then comes the family fact..., combined with indigestion and low budget, it forms a situation of high anxiety... Lack of company, small wishes, goals, and this world soccer paranoia makes it all look like a worst seller novel!
Tomorrow is the day, yeah, a day, just a Friday with the morning, afternoon and some evening, and if the weather forecast is correct, and lately is quite accurate, the evening will be signed with storms...
I like those, if it doesn't damage a drinking marathon, or almost that...
Well, patience, the vodka is here, white rum too, beer, some coke and some other less alcohol drinks, so all we have to do is wait for some better forecast...

no blog

OK
Then you wake up late, go under the shower for a minute or so, make-up, coffee, a cigarette, rush on the street, call your boss to say, you'll be late, already half an hour too late, jump to get a coffee for him too, do nothing, let fall everything from your hands, hoping that the tale about somebody thinking about you, when you're dropping stuff from your hands it's true, and then hitting the head against a hard corner, blood, still stuff falling from hands, and him...
Well, him could mean anybody...at the time..., but this time I've got a look, a nice, polite, friendly look, with a hand in the air, a look that could seem like an examining one, the one...,  like...you know, 'who is she, is she looking at me, what is she looking at, what does she mean by that look, is she..., does she have a...., ' and so on..., exactly like mine, I suppose...
I hope?
Well, I didn't give up on that..., not until the end..., until I die..
But..., no...
no but...
I don't know...
let's see...
A bad day overall..., hitting the head, some pain, feeling useless..., a glass of water, a sentence or two, get the head washed, the wound cleaned, an hour of rest, harsh words by the land loaner, idiot..., some thoughts about moving...
it would be time...
but building up a life in a space, even if not mine... makes things complicated, when the wish for moving rises...
It's going to get away, the wish...
he's going to cool down, I'll cool down, and then
life back to normal...
hoping, searching for what's coming after that examining look, doing very little, thinking very much, as you can see...read, feel(diary stuff)...
someday somehow, I'll get that..., I'll be what I wont to be, I'm getting closer...I have courage, I do...I proved it already!
I'll do it, somehow...
A little house in the meadow full of flowers, a loving hand round my shoulders, fingers in my hair, a kiss, a loving word, a loving look, happiness around, calm, sweetness, tranquillity...
being useful, being needed, being wished, being irreplaceable, being there..., with all my soul and body..., forever

no blog

Getting started, getting practice, getting points, having time for nails, hair, face, feet, legs, gaining weight... No troubles, nothing new, everything senseless, having thoughts on why me, why, why not, being jealous? Still observing the path, still watching if glasses will appear there, still searching for..., but I already know why, and know that it's temporary, but...
This time I'm in, I'm surrounded with people, ordinary, non-ordinary, boring, interesting, familiar faces, new faces, big and small people...with or without glasses, all there, looking at me...
Well, there's more weight, but I remember, I know, more weight doesn't mean uglier, means just a few pounds more...if only the satisfaction was higher...
I don't know...
Maybe there's just that classic lack of money, that keeps me being worried, consecutively  - unsatisfied...!
Come-on, give me something else to do, to keep me busy..., I function much better when I have an aim...