Then you wake up late, go under the shower for a minute or so, make-up, coffee, a cigarette, rush on the street, call your boss to say, you'll be late, already half an hour too late, jump to get a coffee for him too, do nothing, let fall everything from your hands, hoping that the tale about somebody thinking about you, when you're dropping stuff from your hands it's true, and then hitting the head against a hard corner, blood, still stuff falling from hands, and him...
Well, him could mean anybody...at the time..., but this time I've got a look, a nice, polite, friendly look, with a hand in the air, a look that could seem like an examining one, the one..., like...you know, 'who is she, is she looking at me, what is she looking at, what does she mean by that look, is she..., does she have a...., ' and so on..., exactly like mine, I suppose...
I hope?
Well, I didn't give up on that..., not until the end..., until I die..
But..., no...
no but...
I don't know...
let's see...
A bad day overall..., hitting the head, some pain, feeling useless..., a glass of water, a sentence or two, get the head washed, the wound cleaned, an hour of rest, harsh words by the land loaner, idiot..., some thoughts about moving...
it would be time...
but building up a life in a space, even if not mine... makes things complicated, when the wish for moving rises...
It's going to get away, the wish...
he's going to cool down, I'll cool down, and then
life back to normal...
hoping, searching for what's coming after that examining look, doing very little, thinking very much, as you can see...read, feel(diary stuff)...
someday somehow, I'll get that..., I'll be what I wont to be, I'm getting closer...I have courage, I do...I proved it already!
I'll do it, somehow...
A little house in the meadow full of flowers, a loving hand round my shoulders, fingers in my hair, a kiss, a loving word, a loving look, happiness around, calm, sweetness, tranquillity...
being useful, being needed, being wished, being irreplaceable, being there..., with all my soul and body..., forever
